When people listen, you need be careful of what you say. If it is of no importance, those of rough exterior will look away in disgust. However, if it is said in up-most urgency, you will scare away those of quiet nature. To make a point, you must know to speak softly, almost whisper, so your wisdom is requested, not force fed.
The splendor of knotted thread.
This is what happens: I get bored.
Anxious and tired and so used to the goddamn rinse and repeat of our day.
This is how anxiety works: Everything is a knot.
A knot within my chest that wakes me up in the middle of the night. A knot that hurts my throat and makes my hands shake. A tightly tangled ball of concern, paranoia, insignificance, misunderstanding, confusion…
This is your response: You always run to my rescue.
But I dont always need a hero. There with a band aid and tissue. The repetitive saying “I’m sorry, babe.”
Those stupid fucking words.
This is how you are: A scarf with a snag.
Well groomed, well knit. Understanding, kind, caring, loving, nice, dedicated, responsible, put together.
This is what I need: A sidekick.
Someone who challenges me, pisses me off, and who needs help sometimes too. Sometimes, I need to be the knight in shining armor.
This is how it works: Its a push and pull.
I don’t wish to feel like an anchor bending your bow. Pulling, pulling pulling… constantly taking time and energy and giving nothing in return.
This is what you need:
This is what I am:
This is what I don’t need:
This is what I need:
To be absolutely hopelessly entangled in someone. I want someone magnificently fucked up. A person who’s splitting at the seams in the most graceful way, with a smile on their face. We could trade stuffing and resew each others hems, laughing about the different colors of thread etched around our bodies.
Dawn or Dusk
The sun it sees
Set far away
The new dawn
Of another day
The sun it knows
Set down on you
A current trial
To work through
When at noon
Set back in mind
See forward still
Or turn back blind
Is it me
Is it you.
(I will add to this list as I think of other important matters. I left these statements open-ended so that anyone who wants to use this checklist realistically may take advantage of it)
- Read more
- Write more
- Work on art MUCH more
- Internet less
- Find a faith
- Practice/ Study Faith
- Take better care of my body
- Don’t be lazy about physical appearance
- Overall cleanliness
- Clothing choices
- Sexual preservation
- Yet, don’t be over critical of physical appearance
- Be comfortable in your skin!
- Be comfortable with what is acceptable to YOU
- Show more skin if that is what makes YOU happy, not others
- Try to learn new things
- Relearn Physics
- Meet new people
- Gain an overall positive perspective with realistic views
- Document my life
- Reward good behavior
- Discipline bad behavior
- Eat healthy
- Take some alone time
- Cut back on smoking
- Start a dream journal
- Explore dream meanings
- Don’t just say; ACT
- Try really hard to be the best person you can possible be
- Don’t fear rejection, be know you know you are
Some of these things are harder to attain than others. I have to reach for the minor things above all else, and know that this is for my own well being.
This all sounds so horribly generic, but the thing is.. to be healthy.. you must first find a sense of normality.
Your life follows the rules of art very closely: “Before you can bend the social norm, you much first master the rules of society’s expectations. Only then, can you make an abstraction a normal occurrence.”
With this new found amount of free time that I have stumbled upon, I am aiming towards bettering myself.
This sounds much lamer than currently anticipated, but I am hoping by the end of the summer that I am eating much healthier, finding a sense of faith (and all it has to offer), and being proud of who I am.. in the most generic way possible.
The love of my life has moved away; not in the sense of a break up, or tragic loss, but simply.. he is away on business.
Andrew (as I call this character) has gone on a month long journey in Alaska, on an internship that will not only help him later on in attaining a job, but add to his “character development” and giving him a broader view on life.
I, however, am stuck in the same old town, doing the same old thing. Yet, I hope that this space away from commitment will help me to further develop my OWN character. & though I am sad that he is leaving, I want to try and make it as positive of an experience as possible.
I may not be moving away to an entirely different area, or adjusting my schedule in a noticeable way. However, I will be attempting with all my power, to do things that are quite out of the norm for me. I always make things into a huge drama, and make sure to note how much of a hardship I’m going through. But now is a time for change of habit, and now is a time to change my life. It obviously is going to take much longer than a month to break old habits, but I need to set small goals for myself before I can make huge expectations. I don’t take care of myself as much as I should. I settle on the idea that “everyone my age is doing it.” Yet, I have always strived for more, thus putting me in this uncomfortable middle ground.
Such things like reading (instead of getting addicted to a certain show), meditation (instead of surfing the web), eating healthy (self explanatory), and waking up early (instead of late and drowsy.)
I understand its summer, and there are things I should still hold true to that will be a source of relaxation. As horrible as it sounds, I will continue to drink, smoke, and do other like drugs. The way I see it, because they are recreational, and superficial.. It will be much easier to rid these things from my life than nasty habits like resorting to junk food or laying in bed for 14 hours as I normally do. And from personal experience, I know that these things test/aid your motivation to “get shit done” and with these tools, I will help to not only motivate, but exercise my self discipline, and explore my needs.
In time, I won’t need to smoke or drink as a reward for doing things that are good for my body. But this is a procedure, and I need to start small. I am very blessed to have a lot of the stepping stones I need readily available to me to start this cleansing journey.
The only time I will -try- to be online in this next week, is to document my progress, and check my email/ current events. In the meantime, it will be a reward for:
These seem like simple things to start off with!!
I have this theory, that I depend on others for happiness…
because I know that if I left it up to me to be happy, I never would be.
When I want to be sad, I can’t… because that would mean I would have to hurt someone else to make my happiness go away.
Instead of just hurting myself.
I feel I should be sad.
When everything seems to be OK, all I want is to escape to my safe hole of alone-ness and focus.
I don’t write, I don’t draw, I don’t create anything. But when things are going horribly, these skills seem to surface, and I can be the master of my own emotions.
When everything seems to be OK, I float on with no attention paid to emotions or needs, because they don’t matter. I’m already happy, why strive for more?
When I’m happy, I have nothing to build from.
In this moment, I am strong.
In this moment, there’s nothing wrong.
This poem doesn’t satisfy me.
In this moment, I am strong.
In this moment, there’s nothing wrong.
In this moment, I have lied.
In this moment, there’s nothing right.
In this moment, I sit and dream.
That in one moment I’ll burst my seam.
In that moment, I’ll sit and dread.
In that moment, everything’s so dead.
In that moment, I’ll have to feel.
In that moment, there’s need to heal.
For in one moment, I’ll be real.
When I’m not truely sad, when I’m not back to where I used to be…
I just sound like some fucking emo child who’s worst pain is that they were grounded and didn’t get to go to an MCR show.